Week One: Premier!


Great opening number! It looks like this is going to be the year of the football players. Let’s just hope it’s also the year of men dancing shirtless. Let’s get this party started!

This Week’s lineup:

1. Kim & Sasha -Cha Cha

“Sax” by Fleur East


Kim is so happy and full of life that she will do well on this show even if she never learns how to dance. I love her already. This routine was a great way to start the show! Her timing was really sloppy and there was no hip action whatsoever but I thought she had great energy and she performed the crap out of this routine.

-I think we all need a little sax break now and then

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 7

2. Paige & Mark -Foxtrot

“Ain’t Got Far To Go” by Jess Glynne


I know that Paige is a fighter and all but the girl has obvs got some serious dance training in her. Even exceptionally athletic people don’t pull a number like that out of their hat. It was way too fast for a foxtrot though. There were obviously no discussions about foxtrot timing beforehand. Whatever they did though, she looked pretty awesome doing it. She is obviously a great contender for the mirror ball.

-What goes better with a gorgeous orange gown than a pink floral jacket? #Costumedepartmentfail

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 8 –Girl’s got moves

3. Doug and Karina-Foxtrot

“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond


Doug Flutie seems like a sweet guy. Nothing better than hearing about dads who take their daughters to dance class. You wouldn’t know it by watching this number, but there is a lot more to foxtrot than chasses and grapevines. Unfortunately, I’m not sure Karina could put any legit foxtrot steps in because poor Doug’s head might have exploded. He struggled in a routine filled with walking and sun bursts. That does not bode well for his future on this show.

-The pivots got seriously out of control. I think he almost spun her to death! 

Judges Scores: 5, 5, 5

My Score: 5 –Underdog or lost cause?

4. Jodie & Keo -Tango

“Confident” by Demi Lovato


Full disclosure: I love Full House, therefor I love Jodie Sweetin. And props to her and Keo for doing a dance that actually looked like a tango! Yes, she needs to work on her frame in promenade, and she needs to keep her head left on her pivots, but there were some pretty beautiful same foot lunges in there! I admire them for tackling a pretty tough routine but I have a feeling like it will get lost in the crowd a little bit.

Keo needs to ditch the high top 

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 7 –Judges critiqued her like she’s the pro dancer. Give the girl a break!


5. Geraldo & Edyta- Cha Cha

“Treasure” by Bruno Mars


What do you do with a man who can’t dance? Step snap, step snap, and point, point, point, point. Even then I’m not sure Geraldo managed to do that correctly. Edyta might as well have been on stage by herself for as much as he was leading her. Sorry Geraldo, you seem like a nice guy but I doubt we will be seeing much of you.

-Sometimes nice guys really do finish last

Judges Scores: 5, 4, 4

My Score: 4

**Side Bar: Tom Bergeron quoted saying “I haven’t seen that paddle in a while.” #saltinthewound #douchejar

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6. Marla & Tony -Quickstep

“Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend”


Marla looks better at 52 than most people do in their 20s. Seriously, she obviously has the secret to aging well and we all need to attack her for her secrets. Or just ask politely. Starting off with quickstep is a big order and this was an actual quickstep routine, as opposed to the running around they do the majority of the time on this show. Marla struggled to keep up with it but I thought she did an exceptional job considering this is the first week. Plus she nailed her cartwheel at the end and you can tell she was super proud of it so she gets point for that. 

-Marla must eat young girls to keep herself looking so good. That is really the only explanation 

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7 –It’s all about the cartwheel 

7. Wanya & Lindsay -Cha Cha



Wanya might not remember to break on the two but the boy has got some moves! The cha cha portion of the routine was a hot mess and the camera decided to not show Wanya’s feet for most of it so I have a feeling it was a little sloppy. That aside, the rest of this dance was super fun. Wanya has a ton of personality and it comes out in his dancing. The costumes were clashing like crazy so it was a little hard to stay concentrated on the dancing.

-Wanya takes hip thrusts to a professional level

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 7 for the cha cha, 10 for the swag

8. Ginger & Val -Jive

“Move” -Dream girls


Can I just give a HUGE shoutout to Ginger for Keepin’ It Real!! Pumping breastmilk on national television like a badA! Ginger might be the cutest contestant this season. Jive is easily one of the hardest dances to fake technique. Ginger needs to work on her feet but I thought she did a great job performing despite being a little slow at times. She actually looked like she was enjoying the dance which is half the battle!

-Whenever the camera zooms out, I know to look for the mistakes they are trying to hide #Imontoyoucamera

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 7 –You can’t get an 8 just by being cute

9. Mischa & Artem – Tango

“In The Night” -The Weekend


“I’ve actually danced a lot in my life.” I would love to know what she really meant by this statement. What kind of dancing? Is there a form of dancing that doesn’t involve any kind of bodily movement whatsoever? Poor uncoordinated soul, it’s sad, but true. At the very least keep your elbows up woman! This dance was so cringeworthy. And isn’t she an actress? She could have at least put something more on her face than the grimace she had plastered on.

-What is it about dancing that kills all acting ability? 

Judges Scores: 5, 5, 6

My Score: 5 –Bruno is too nice

**I’m pretty sure this dance also gets a trophy for “Worst Costume of the Premier” 

-What’s with the white undershirt? 


10. Nyle & Peta -Cha Cha

“Cake By The Ocean” -DNCE


Oh HELLO Nyle! Can I just stare at you for a little while? Nyle didn’t do a whole lot of actual cha cha in this routine but the boy still has some moves. The upper half of his body was all good news. Good posture, strong arms, nice abs…It’s just that the bottom half was out of control. Negative amounts of turnout, lots of heel leads, some of the flattest feet I have ever seen. Still…he IS nice to look at. Am I right ladies?

-Turns out, you can survive on good looks alone

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 7 –Doing one sloppy new yorker does not earn an 8

11. Antonio & Sharna -Quickstep

“Bad Man” -Pitbull


I’m just going to say it…Antonio seems like a douche who likes to hear his own voice and stare at himself in the mirror. I’d love for him to prove me wrong though because he is pretty fun to watch dance. Is he good at the quickstep? No. He has a serious case of forward head and he keeps staring at Sharna (I don’t blame him. She is a goddess), but he really needs to work on keeping his head left. Still, he did a good job performing and his touchdown dance made me laugh. Points for that.

-How’s business?…losing to the quickstep 

Judges Scores: 8, 6, 7

My Score: 7 –Man’s got a killer smile, what can I say?

12. Von and Witney -Foxtrot

“My House” -Flo Rida


Von seems like one of the only professional football players who doesn’t take himself too seriously, which I LOVE! This dance made me smile a lot. The foxtrot timing was horrendous, that weave was all kinds of a disaster, and he had his head right for the majority of it, but Von had some serious swag going on the rest of the dance.

-Can we take a minute to teach Bruno how to look like a man when he does his port de bras? 

Judes Scores: 8, 6, 7

My Score: 7 –Did Carrie Anne see that weave?

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Paige
  2. Wanya
  3. Von
  4. Ginger
  5. Antonio
  6. Jodie
  7. Nyle
  8. Marla
  9. Kim
  10. Mischa
  11. Doug
  12. Geraldo

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