Week Nine: Semi Finals!

The Semi finals are here and that means it’s time for some trios! There’s nothing better than getting to watch professional dancers third wheel it on stage. Let’s be real, the only reason the show has them do the trios is to have two dancers to distract us from what the celebrities are actually doing.


This Week’s Lineup:

1.Paige & Mark & Alan – Samba

“Hip Hip, Chin Chin” -Club Des Belugas


This was actually a pretty fun routine besides the fact that they were the three least colorful peacocks I have ever seen. Seriously, isn’t that concept a costume designers dream? How hard is it? Paige did a pretty phenomenal job but I have to say that she probably wouldn’t have looked half as coordinated if she was wearing heels like she should have. I appreciate the creativity of the reverse roll sandwich, but it was a dud. It looked more like an awkward group hug that lasted way too long. They keep asking about a relationship between Paige and Alan and not getting any kind of coherent response. Are they not allowed to date? I’m pretty sure we’re all adults and could handle it if you two had gone on a few dates. They are obviously trying to play up some relationship that isn’t there. And if something is going on, Alan needs to learn how to man up and admit it. Erin talking about the men’s peacock feathers was pretty distasteful. Can we not go one week without objectifying the professionals?

-Hearing Carrie Ann say “on fleek” is like having your grandma post a direct message to your Facebook wall. 

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

2.Antonio & Sharna & Haley -Argentine Tango

“Mi Confesion” -Gotan Project


Antonio managed to transform from an athletic demigod to an uncoordinated stalker instantaneously, and all we had to do was watch him walk. Seriously it was like the scene from Mulan, only worse. “Chin up, feet apart, shoulders back, and strut!” Antonio actually managed to look halfway decent throughout the rest of the dance but the imagery was ruined after seeing him walk around like Chester the molester. And whose idea was it to have him grab both girl’s butts as the ending pose? Apparently they weren’t too worried about the fact that they probably offended all of Argentina. Is that the new way to hold hands? Is that how the kids are doing it now? I love that Len called out Carrie Ann for giving bogus critique advice. I’m sure the shirt unbuttoning was supposed to impress us but it was followed by this pose which is quite possibly the most un sexy pose in the history of the world.

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Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9 

3. Wanya & Lindsay & Witney – Paso Doble

“Explosive” -David Garrett


There was a whole lot going on in this paso. It was mostly good but I mostly just wanted Witney to leave so we could watch them dance. As far as trios go, it was pretty well choreographed. Now let’s all take a nice long break so Carrie Ann can get her hug from Wanya. I’m sorry, have we not talked enough about you tonight Carrie Ann? Wanya is pulling out all the stops tonight and even breaking out his religious card to earn him some extra votes. It kills me that he isn’t in the finals but such is life. Apparently Lindsay and Witney are friends but I sense a little trouble in paradise. Seriously, how long would you let your friend go out with lipstick all over her teeth in public, let alone on national television?

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-The moment that both Witney and Wanya noticed, but decided not to say anything. #frenemies 

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

4.Nyle & Peta & Jenna – Jive

“Hit the Road Jack”


I feel the need to reiterate that Nyle is one sexy piece of man. You would think he would look sexy doing just about anything, but you would be wrong. Watching Nyle perform this jive was like watching pee wee herman. How does that happen? I really have no idea how Nyle managed to pull off so many routines where he stayed on the music so well but the magic has definitely faded these last few weeks. He made it into the finals but he is easily the worst out of the semi final picks.

– Wanya gets crucified for slipping on a bandana but Nyle can almost push his partner off the stage with no repercussions. Time to let him out of the bubble people. 

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 8 

5.Ginger & Val & Artem -Paso Doble

“Shot Me Down” -David Guetta

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This dance was kind of a techno, western, paso hot mess. Watching Val and Artem was pretty awesome but Ginger was all kinds of off balance most of the time. I like that Val challenges the celebrities with his choreo, but I think this routine was just a little too much. I’m also not sure why she died in the end. It was like they gave her this hug of death and then neither of them looked too sad about their lover falling to her demise. I guess nobody ordered the chicken nuggets with honey mustard tonight.

-Tom reminded them that even Jodie and Keo got a perfect score. Yes, even rejects like Jodie and Keo…Ouch Tom. #Douchejar


Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9

6.Paige & Mark – Argentine Tango

“One Time” -Marian Hill


At the risk of sounding unsympathetic, I’m a little tired of hearing about all of Paige’s “trials”. Oh, you were pretty and talented and the head cheerleader as a Freshman in high school? Your life is so hard! Of course the other girls disliked you. Is there anyone who made it through high school without being bullied in some form or another? Can we all put that in our sob story video packages? This dance was danced well but was just a little too much for me. I’m all about depicting the love story, and even some light stripping is okay with me. The second the nightie comes flying off is when I think someone went way too far. How can the judges feel comfortable critiquing that? You either look like a creeper for liking it or you look like a prude for calling them out. #nobodywins

-Listening to Carrie Ann talk about how glad she was that they showed us Paige’s “layers” was almost as bad as listening to Bruno say “Nasty, naughty, oh but it felt so good.” Seriously people? Can’t you go to jail for saying that to someone? 

Judges Scores: 10, 9, 10

My Score: 9 

7. Antonio & Sharna -Contemporary AKA lifts without heels

“Hall of Fame” – The Script


I’m not sure what this dance was, but there sure wasn’t a whole lot of contemporary going on. There were a lot of difficult lifts and a couple pantomime sections but that’s about all. Antonio seems to only have two emotions while dancing. He is either super happy or super scary, there is no in between. I’m pretty sure Antonio’s video package had everybody falling in love with him. I felt like I was watching an episode of Friday Night Lights. I kept waiting for Tim Riggins to pop up. Antonio may not have made the final, but he definitely left the show with the hearts of America. Erin was obviously fishing for some emotional response from him, but luckily Antonio kept his man card and didn’t give in. Let’s be real, its not that emotional. You come on the show and you dance till you lose. End of story.

-If Antonio’s dad was never in the picture, why was he interviewed so much more than his mom? What a shady guy. 


Judges Scores: 9, 9, 10

My Score: 9 –Glad he got a sympathy 10 though 

8.Wanya & Lindsay – Charleston

“Shame on Me” -Avicii

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Oh wow that was a lot of stairs. I guess that’s one option when you run out of choreography. I thought this routine was super cute. I loved Lindsay’s costume and I thought Wanya did a killer job. I don’t have a lot to say about this number because it was great and Lindsay managed to fix her lipstick.

-Why is Paige always hanging out by herself in the red room? 

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

9. Nyle & Peta – Tango



Apparently that 10 seconds was the only thing usable from Tyra’s interview. What else could she have possibly said that was worse than that? I guess good looks and brains still don’t mix. I’d love to know how someone mentally goes from wanting to be a math teacher to wanting to go on America’s Next Top Model. I love helping deaf children learn but I also love debasing myself in front of millions on national television…decisions are the worst. I’m getting a little tired of the gimmicks for Nyle. First we have the silent section and now we have a blindfold. All he’s proving is that he can manage to do a mediocre job under any circumstance. Bravo. And we had to bring out that dirty mattress just for the beginning and ending pose? There was just a whole lot of unnecessary things going on with some pretty bad technique.

-It was all fun and games until those suspenders started riding up. Where’s the flood?

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 9 

10. Ginger & Val – Quickstep

“Fire Under my Feet” -Leona Lewis A.K.A Stage hog

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I’m not sure whose idea it was to have Leona on a raised stage in the middle of the dance floor but Ginger should be pissed. It was hard to pay attention to the dancing at all with her up there in the middle of everything. Are they trying to morph into some hybrid dancing and singing talent show? If so, I would totally watch that. I thought Val was super killing it in this routine. Ginger, not so much. She managed to keep up but her frame was pretty bad and she kept straightening her right arm. I know Ginger’s brother says that the divorce affected Ginger a lot more than him, but I have serious doubts about that.

-Ginger ended up a famous meteorologist while I’m pretty sure Sean lives in his van.

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Judges Scores: 9, 10, 10

My Score: 9 

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Paige

  2. Ginger

  3. Nyle





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