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Week Ten: Finals Night One and Two!

 

I feel the need to start this post by stating that I am indeed a huge superfan of this show. That being said, I find the final shows to be excessive. Do we really need to dedicate two nights to find out who wins? Most of it is just watching old routines that are never as good the second time around. I love a good montage as much as the next person but most of the clips are from last week. It’s a little hard to get sentimental over the good old days when we still haven’t stopped discussing how bad Erin’s hair was in week 7.

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This Week’s Lineup:

Redemption Dances!

1.Ginger & Val – contemporary?

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Ginger decided to throw a last minute hail Mary and use her sore back to get her some sympathy votes. Unfortunately, everything pales in comparison after watching Lindsay bite through her lip and brush it off like it was nothing so from now on, no celebrity injury will ever look valid. There were a whole lot of different genres in this dance but it sure didn’t have a whole lot of contemporary. I guess this show should just change the name of contemporary to bare foot free for all. It was like watching a dance choreographed by a bipolar ballroom enthusiast. They skipped from one style to the next with no apparent rhyme or reason behind it. Overall, I thought it was okay. I’m not sure what classified it as a redemption dance though. They mostly just took a walk through memory lane. I guess they didn’t want people to think that they needed redemption for anything. Which is either a bold statement or Val misunderstood the assignment…

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Judges Scores: 9, 10, 9

My Score: 9

2. Nyle & Peta – Quickstep

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Now this was a redemption dance. The first quickstep was sloppy and this one seemed a little better from a technical standpoint. It’s too bad it was a really uninteresting dance. Honestly, I would rather watch him slipping around the stage in that Mask costume again. Apparently cowboy costumes can’t be any more interesting than simply wearing denim. I think cowboys everywhere should be offended. Nyle still had a pretty terrible frame and managed to get off timing, but I mean look at him… who cares?

– It’s no wonder that Nyle won ANTM if he can manage to pull of the Denim Dan.

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 8

3. Paige & Mark – Salsa

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After a pretty rocking season, Mark finally was able to make the entire finals night about himself. A real feat when you are partners with a girl who likes to take selfies and look at her butt in the mirror. Mark doesn’t seem to be too concerned with finding any redemption for Paige. He decided to redo her already awesome salsa to do basically the same routine. Still awesome, but not half as interesting. He should have done another waltz or some other standard dance to prove that Paige can do more than spin around quicker than the other celebrities. Tom unsurprisingly makes a cringeworthy nipple joke and an obviously drunk Carrie Ann laughed way too long. Who is in charge of cutting her off?

-Hearing Bruno say that Paige out danced Mark.

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Judges Scores: 10, 9, 10

My Score: 9 -Mostly because I’m tired of seeing Paige do the same dances.

Freestyle!

1. Ginger & Val – Tribute to Fred and Ginger

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I thought this was a cute routine. Nobody will ever beat Fred and Ginger but I like a good tribute all the same. I thought the tap section was a fun idea till it became obvious that neither of them knew how to tap dance. Seriously? Why even put it in then? Ginger did a pretty good job although her hands were just looking a little too excited throughout the routine.

-Val totally stole Ginger’s high five and then left her hanging…#douchejar

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 9

5. Nyle & Peta – Contemporary

“The Sound of Silence”

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They can bring in choreographers?! Why don’t they do that all the time? Seriously, the dancing on this show would be 100% better if the pros could get some help every once in a while and Jodie might have stood a chance this season if they opted out for good choreographers. I’m not saying that the pros aren’t doing a great job, it’s just hard for any person to be an expert in all genres of dance so I’m glad that Peta was humble enough to admit that she wasn’t a contemporary expert. It makes me respect her so much more. I really loved this routine. It wasn’t that difficult, but something about it was just so much more real than most of the dances this season. The choreography was strong and different and it was just great to watch. Honestly, I think this dance itself won Nyle the mirror ball.

-Seriously, why is Paige always alone in the red room?! Does she not get enough attention in her own interviews?

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10

6. Paige & Mark – Contemporary

“Somewhere Over the Rainbow”

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Of course Mark’s fiance is highlighted as the singer of their freestyle. Because once again, this final is most obviously about him. This dance wasn’t terrible until they got to that weird lift in the middle. It looked like they were trying to go for something cool but then just got stuck with her feet awkwardly up in the air till he decided to put her back down. I also feel like Mark just gave up and didn’t choreograph an ending. They just kinda rolled around on the floor for a couple seconds then cuddled. I think it was meant to be cute but it definitely missed the mark. Also, I just need to say that the man bun on Mark is just awful. Some men can pull it off but he is not one of them. Seeing all that stringy hair from the top of his head slicked all the way back to his neck was just mildly disturbing.

-Having to rush through the judges was the best part of the night.

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10

Part Two! Stay Tuned!

I’m mostly going just buzz through night two because I’m sure the only thing worse than re watching old dances is re reading about them.

Let’s just start off Part Two by shamelessly judging Erin’s wardrobe. The see through dress is just bad. It was a bad idea from the start. Whoever decided that the best feature to highlight on a woman was her upper thigh was was obviously designing for Beyonce. And I’m not sure even Queen Bey could have pulled it off.

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*Spoiler alert: None of the repeat dances were as good the second time.

The first time you watch a dance you are always watching the big picture. You get to see how the music and the movement come together and it hopefully takes you on some kind of emotional journey. The second time around all you see is a whole lot of sickled feet and sloppy arms.

-Watching Val and Maks was pretty sweet until Maks couldn’t make it over his partner’s head…#embarassingmuch

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Next we had to watch a pretty awkward engagement and wedding dance between Witney and Sasha. I’m all about telling a love story through dance and I don’t care that either of them weren’t dancing with their significant other, but getting down on one knee and then raising the veil was just a little too on the nose.

-I seem to be the only person who is sufficiently creeped out every time I see Pitbull, which is shocking to me. I’ll admit that he writes some catchy tunes but he is basically the Voldemort of the music industry. Apparently the only two requirements to be a Pitbull backup dancer is to be well endowed and to be able to hold this pose. 

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-I still have a hard time believing that this is the ONLY costume that Lindsay looks good in. 

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I kind of loved the summer themed cast dance. Mostly because we didn’t have to watch the celebrities dance that much, but the number was just fun. I’m a little disappointed that they brought back the crab though. #dancersarentfunny

Fusion Dances!

1. Ginger & Val – Argentine Tango and Foxtrot fusion

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I just feel the need to start by saying that the 24 hour fusion dance challenge is just stupid. I’m not one to just throw the “S” word around at people but whoever thought that was a good idea is one big stupid head. It makes no sense to create some sort of fusion dance and then give the choreographers almost no time to prepare it. In order to create a bridge between two different cultures of dance you need serious amounts of thought and creativity. The results of the 24 hour fusion challenge are cookie cutter ballroom routines that have zero coherency and make absolutely no sense. Nothing proves my point better than this first dance. Ginger had to keep that huge smile plastered on her face the whole time because she obviously had no idea what she was supposed to be portraying. I don’t even care that she messed up but pumping up the audience in the middle of a tango is just awkward.

-I’m really annoyed that the camera men always pull away the second a celebrity makes any kind of mistake. I could have been a world 10 dance champion if only the judges looked away every time I flubbed up in competition. 

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 8 

2. Nyle & Peta – Cha Cha and Tango fusion

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I kind of like that Peta separated the dances as much as she could. It was clarifying to see the switch between the two styles. With that said, I am ready for the season to be over so that I will not have to watch Nyle do another new yorker with turned in feet.

-Seriously, why do the producers like to end the show on such a low note? 

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 9 

3. Paige & Mark – Salsa & Jive fusion

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This routine was easily the best of the fusion dances, but that’s not saying much. It was mostly just a smorgasbord of previous dance moves, but you can’t really blame them for that with only 24 hours notice. Mostly I was just still distracted by Paige’s shoulders. I’m seriously shocked that they weren’t mentioned, but I guess when it’s finals night any critiques feel a bit wasted.

-Why is there so much weird tension between Mark and Paige? I know they are besties now, so why does it feel like I’m watching an awkward doorstep scene every time they talk to each other? 

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

Well folks, this season has come and gone and I hate to say it but this season wasn’t my fav. Out of the top three I felt like they all basically had the same chances at the mirror ball but I’m not sure any of them actually deserved it. Ginger had some great great moments but she really fell short these last couple weeks. Paige was obviously the best dancer but she just never managed to be very likable in my opinion. Nyle was easily a crowd pleaser but he never even managed a decent basic frame position. I will say that Nyle definitely had the highest score in my book just for that freestyle contemporary number, so I guess it’s all good in the hood. I guess you can get by on good looks.

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Thanks for reading! See you next season!

 

 

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Week Nine: Semi Finals!

The Semi finals are here and that means it’s time for some trios! There’s nothing better than getting to watch professional dancers third wheel it on stage. Let’s be real, the only reason the show has them do the trios is to have two dancers to distract us from what the celebrities are actually doing.

 

This Week’s Lineup:

1.Paige & Mark & Alan – Samba

“Hip Hip, Chin Chin” -Club Des Belugas

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This was actually a pretty fun routine besides the fact that they were the three least colorful peacocks I have ever seen. Seriously, isn’t that concept a costume designers dream? How hard is it? Paige did a pretty phenomenal job but I have to say that she probably wouldn’t have looked half as coordinated if she was wearing heels like she should have. I appreciate the creativity of the reverse roll sandwich, but it was a dud. It looked more like an awkward group hug that lasted way too long. They keep asking about a relationship between Paige and Alan and not getting any kind of coherent response. Are they not allowed to date? I’m pretty sure we’re all adults and could handle it if you two had gone on a few dates. They are obviously trying to play up some relationship that isn’t there. And if something is going on, Alan needs to learn how to man up and admit it. Erin talking about the men’s peacock feathers was pretty distasteful. Can we not go one week without objectifying the professionals?

-Hearing Carrie Ann say “on fleek” is like having your grandma post a direct message to your Facebook wall. 

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

2.Antonio & Sharna & Haley -Argentine Tango

“Mi Confesion” -Gotan Project

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Antonio managed to transform from an athletic demigod to an uncoordinated stalker instantaneously, and all we had to do was watch him walk. Seriously it was like the scene from Mulan, only worse. “Chin up, feet apart, shoulders back, and strut!” Antonio actually managed to look halfway decent throughout the rest of the dance but the imagery was ruined after seeing him walk around like Chester the molester. And whose idea was it to have him grab both girl’s butts as the ending pose? Apparently they weren’t too worried about the fact that they probably offended all of Argentina. Is that the new way to hold hands? Is that how the kids are doing it now? I love that Len called out Carrie Ann for giving bogus critique advice. I’m sure the shirt unbuttoning was supposed to impress us but it was followed by this pose which is quite possibly the most un sexy pose in the history of the world.

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Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9 

3. Wanya & Lindsay & Witney – Paso Doble

“Explosive” -David Garrett

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There was a whole lot going on in this paso. It was mostly good but I mostly just wanted Witney to leave so we could watch them dance. As far as trios go, it was pretty well choreographed. Now let’s all take a nice long break so Carrie Ann can get her hug from Wanya. I’m sorry, have we not talked enough about you tonight Carrie Ann? Wanya is pulling out all the stops tonight and even breaking out his religious card to earn him some extra votes. It kills me that he isn’t in the finals but such is life. Apparently Lindsay and Witney are friends but I sense a little trouble in paradise. Seriously, how long would you let your friend go out with lipstick all over her teeth in public, let alone on national television?

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-The moment that both Witney and Wanya noticed, but decided not to say anything. #frenemies 

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

4.Nyle & Peta & Jenna – Jive

“Hit the Road Jack”

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I feel the need to reiterate that Nyle is one sexy piece of man. You would think he would look sexy doing just about anything, but you would be wrong. Watching Nyle perform this jive was like watching pee wee herman. How does that happen? I really have no idea how Nyle managed to pull off so many routines where he stayed on the music so well but the magic has definitely faded these last few weeks. He made it into the finals but he is easily the worst out of the semi final picks.

– Wanya gets crucified for slipping on a bandana but Nyle can almost push his partner off the stage with no repercussions. Time to let him out of the bubble people. 

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 8 

5.Ginger & Val & Artem -Paso Doble

“Shot Me Down” -David Guetta

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This dance was kind of a techno, western, paso hot mess. Watching Val and Artem was pretty awesome but Ginger was all kinds of off balance most of the time. I like that Val challenges the celebrities with his choreo, but I think this routine was just a little too much. I’m also not sure why she died in the end. It was like they gave her this hug of death and then neither of them looked too sad about their lover falling to her demise. I guess nobody ordered the chicken nuggets with honey mustard tonight.

-Tom reminded them that even Jodie and Keo got a perfect score. Yes, even rejects like Jodie and Keo…Ouch Tom. #Douchejar

 

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9

6.Paige & Mark – Argentine Tango

“One Time” -Marian Hill

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At the risk of sounding unsympathetic, I’m a little tired of hearing about all of Paige’s “trials”. Oh, you were pretty and talented and the head cheerleader as a Freshman in high school? Your life is so hard! Of course the other girls disliked you. Is there anyone who made it through high school without being bullied in some form or another? Can we all put that in our sob story video packages? This dance was danced well but was just a little too much for me. I’m all about depicting the love story, and even some light stripping is okay with me. The second the nightie comes flying off is when I think someone went way too far. How can the judges feel comfortable critiquing that? You either look like a creeper for liking it or you look like a prude for calling them out. #nobodywins

-Listening to Carrie Ann talk about how glad she was that they showed us Paige’s “layers” was almost as bad as listening to Bruno say “Nasty, naughty, oh but it felt so good.” Seriously people? Can’t you go to jail for saying that to someone? 

Judges Scores: 10, 9, 10

My Score: 9 

7. Antonio & Sharna -Contemporary AKA lifts without heels

“Hall of Fame” – The Script

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I’m not sure what this dance was, but there sure wasn’t a whole lot of contemporary going on. There were a lot of difficult lifts and a couple pantomime sections but that’s about all. Antonio seems to only have two emotions while dancing. He is either super happy or super scary, there is no in between. I’m pretty sure Antonio’s video package had everybody falling in love with him. I felt like I was watching an episode of Friday Night Lights. I kept waiting for Tim Riggins to pop up. Antonio may not have made the final, but he definitely left the show with the hearts of America. Erin was obviously fishing for some emotional response from him, but luckily Antonio kept his man card and didn’t give in. Let’s be real, its not that emotional. You come on the show and you dance till you lose. End of story.

-If Antonio’s dad was never in the picture, why was he interviewed so much more than his mom? What a shady guy. 

 

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 10

My Score: 9 –Glad he got a sympathy 10 though 

8.Wanya & Lindsay – Charleston

“Shame on Me” -Avicii

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Oh wow that was a lot of stairs. I guess that’s one option when you run out of choreography. I thought this routine was super cute. I loved Lindsay’s costume and I thought Wanya did a killer job. I don’t have a lot to say about this number because it was great and Lindsay managed to fix her lipstick.

-Why is Paige always hanging out by herself in the red room? 

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

9. Nyle & Peta – Tango

“Unsteady”

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Apparently that 10 seconds was the only thing usable from Tyra’s interview. What else could she have possibly said that was worse than that? I guess good looks and brains still don’t mix. I’d love to know how someone mentally goes from wanting to be a math teacher to wanting to go on America’s Next Top Model. I love helping deaf children learn but I also love debasing myself in front of millions on national television…decisions are the worst. I’m getting a little tired of the gimmicks for Nyle. First we have the silent section and now we have a blindfold. All he’s proving is that he can manage to do a mediocre job under any circumstance. Bravo. And we had to bring out that dirty mattress just for the beginning and ending pose? There was just a whole lot of unnecessary things going on with some pretty bad technique.

-It was all fun and games until those suspenders started riding up. Where’s the flood?

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 9 

10. Ginger & Val – Quickstep

“Fire Under my Feet” -Leona Lewis A.K.A Stage hog

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I’m not sure whose idea it was to have Leona on a raised stage in the middle of the dance floor but Ginger should be pissed. It was hard to pay attention to the dancing at all with her up there in the middle of everything. Are they trying to morph into some hybrid dancing and singing talent show? If so, I would totally watch that. I thought Val was super killing it in this routine. Ginger, not so much. She managed to keep up but her frame was pretty bad and she kept straightening her right arm. I know Ginger’s brother says that the divorce affected Ginger a lot more than him, but I have serious doubts about that.

-Ginger ended up a famous meteorologist while I’m pretty sure Sean lives in his van.

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Judges Scores: 9, 10, 10

My Score: 9 

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Paige

  2. Ginger

  3. Nyle

 

 

 

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Week Eight: You be the Judge!

 

It’s week eight and YOU get to be the judge!! Wait…Doesn’t the audience get to judge every week with the votes? It seems redundant to have the audience add to part of the score, but I guess it probably made a whole lot of people who scored the dances a 9 pretty proud of themselves.

 

Let’s get straight to it. That opening number was just too much. As a dancer, you spend a lot of your time explaining to people that being a dancer does not make you an “exotic dancer.”  This dance just set all professional dancers back for ages. Did you really train your whole lives to throw on a skimpy costume and booty shake next to a light up pole?

-Thank you for paying for all those years of dance mom. Now watch what I learned! 

-If I were Emma Slater or Lindsay’s husband, I would have serious questions about the end of that opening number. 

This Week’s Lineup:

1.Nyle & Peta -Paso Doble

“Victorious” -Panic at the Disco

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I wish they would have explained the story behind this dance a little bit. Are they breaking out of some kind of chain link fence prison? I’m all for cool set designs but you have to at least make sense out of them. Also, the fact that Peta managed to pull off that weird braid forehead flower is a testament to how truly flawless her face is. It’s coming down to the end so the judges feel very limited to what they can say. They all decided to talk about the silent section of the dance because the rest of the critiques would have been too negative. Nyle’s dancing was way too stiff for the Paso. There was no fluidity so his shaping was nonexistent. He rushed through all of his steps so he was in an almost constant state of unbalance. Yes, he is still beautiful and yes, he has improved since the show began, but this really wasn’t a great Paso. The fact that it got even one 10 was a shock to me. Also, was that silent section really that hard? It was like one measure long and they made it sound like it was this great olympic hurdle.

-I think the troupe dancers need this more than I do. 

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Judges Scores: 10, 9, 10 

My Score: 8

**Tom Burgeron quoted saying “With any luck they’ll hear us” when talking about how Nyle and Peta were safe. Is it okay to make deaf jokes now? #Douchejar

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2. Antonio & Sharna -Viennese Waltz

“Love on the Brain” -Rihanna

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This was probably Antonio’s best dance yet. It still wasn’t great but he seemed to actually know the dance. I’m not sure if it’s just the height different or what but he has to learn how to take bigger strides. He takes these tiny steps that make him look like a baby penguin shuffling around out there. Sharna is always perfection but I feel like she needs to choreograph a little better to suit her partners. She tends to fill in all the gaps with lots of highlights of herself while her partner stands there. I mean I don’t blame her, if I could dance like that I just probably wouldn’t even bother with a partner.

– Antonio’s sucking up seemed to do the trick this week. He definitely made sure the cameras were there to see him at practice early. #HESCHANGED

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9 

3. Jodie & Keo -Jive

“Must be Love” -Christina Aguilera

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Points to Jodi for not admitting on tv that Keo was dragging her down, even if it is the truth. We all had to sit and listen to the saddest song on Earth while Keo read some Facebook article. Get over it Keo, at least you finally choreographed a dance that didn’t make us want to fall asleep! Just in time to be sent home. But hey, better late than never. They finally let the singer get in some screen time but decided to put her in a hideous robe. I’m sure she was equal parts thrilled and embarrassed. This dance had a lot of fun choreo and it was only made better by Jodie’s dancing.  I thought she did a fabulous job even though she didn’t wear heels. Her recoil action was awesome and I thought her performance level was finally on point. She looked adorable in her costume and I think it was a great number for them to leave on. Are we that shocked that she is leaving? No. But Antonio or Nyle should have left first based on technique alone.

-I’m mostly sad that we won’t get to see shots of Candace Cameron in the audience anymore.

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10 

My Score: 10 

4. Paige & Mark -Waltz

“Stone Cold” -Demi Lovato

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I’m not sure if it was part of the choreo to dance as choppy as Paige did, but I highly doubt it. What Len said about her frame was exactly right, her left shoulder was coming forward the whole dance. She had no rise and fall so all the fluidity of the waltz was gone. She missed a lot of heel leads and honestly just didn’t impress me in this dance. Loved the costumes and the concept, but Mark should have spent more time on teaching her some basic waltz technique. Paige says she feels so comfortable with Mark, but then slips into a British accent when forced to stare at him straight in the eyes. Nice try Paige, but we all know what that means.

#ImonlyBritishwhenImuncomfortable

-Since when does not liking makeup make you a boy? I think I can speak for all the women in the world when I say that putting on makeup is not what makes you a girl. 

Judges Scores: 10, 9, 9

My Score: 9

Side Bar**- I wish that instead of booing all of Len’s comments, the audience would just shake their heads disgustedly like an episode of the Bachelor tell all and let him finish crushing hearts. #WeGETit

5. Ginger & Val -Argentine Tango

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There is something about this routine that I just loved. The staging was awesome, the costuming was great, and the music was captivating. I didn’t think it was overdone at all and they just let us enjoy the routine without too much extra fluff. There are always moments where we remember that Ginger is the celebrity but there were many times in this dance that I felt she did things at a professional level. The lifts they did weren’t easy and she held her positions so well in all of them. Ginger is just an extremely likable person who doesn’t seem full of herself even though she has every reason to be. Len’s comments obviously made her highly uncomfortable, just like the rest of us. Can we just go one week without Bruno sexually harassing someone?

– Will I really look sexier by scrunching up my eyebrows? I should stand around facing the sun more often. 

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

6. Wanya & Lindsay -Jive

“Can You Do This” – Aloe Blacc

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This dance had a lot of potential to be awesome. It’s amazing that one little bandana could cause so much trouble. The judges tried to pretend like it wasn’t all Lindsay’s fault but let’s be real…it totally was. If Wanya hadn’t slipped then he would have gone through the rest of the dance and done just fine. The judges would have forgiven his few mistakes because overall the dance would have been great. Instead, the judges tried to make Lindsay feel better by critiquing all the little things Wanya did wrong before the bandana. Either way, it’s all the bandana’s fault. Lindsay shouldn’t feel too bad, it’s all a hazard of the trade and Wanya should have picked it back up faster…but it’s still her fault.

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Judges Scores: 8, 8, 9

My Score: 9 -Give the guy a break! 

7. Team Bruno: Nyle & Jodie – Argentine Tango

“La Habanera”

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Okay I’m just going to say it, watching Keo lift Nyle was easily the most awkward moment of the season. Yes, I appreciate what they were trying to do, but that was just so weird. Could they not think of a more manly lift at least? Here let me split my legs while you daintily spin me around. Weird. The only thing more uncomfortable than watching that lift was watching Bruno sexually harass his “dream team” while trying to teach the Argentine tango. This dance started off really strong with some good old stripper moves and then just took some bad turns. By the time Nyle and Jodie were left to dance with each other, we were all painfully reminded that neither of them are professional dancers. It was like watching two people dance separately then spliced together later in editing. None of the judges were brave enough to give their fellow judge anything less than a 10 this week, but boy, they lost some credibility this time.

-What they were going for with that lift:

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-What they actually accomplished:

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 9 

My Score: 8

8. Team Len: Ginger & Wanya – Samba

“Jump in the Line”

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This dance was pretty generic but pretty fun. I was disappointed with Ginger in this dance because she never had any hip action in any of the samba sections. Wanya did an awesome job and was working it but the choreography that they had them do together was just slow and boring. Having Len come out and dance at the end was lame and provided an anticlimactic ending to a very average routine.

-Len was off the beat at the end but I was more offended at having to watch him dance barefoot. 

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 9

My Score: 8

9. Team Carrie Ann: Paige & Antonio – Paso Doble

“Everybody Wants to Rule the World”

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Have we all decided that dancers aren’t athletes? I thought the point of the show was to prove to everybody just how hard dancing professionally actually is. Paige keeps saying they’ve never had two athletes dance together on the show. Isn’t that what the professionals do every week? I want to like her but everything that comes out of her mouth is offensive to me. Everybody and their dog has a dance choreographed to this song but I thought this routine was actually pretty good. There wasn’t a ton of paso doble in it and they weren’t wearing heels but I thought they all danced strong and they danced well together. It was a smart move having Antonio just throw Page around for their solo section but I do wish we could have actually seen them dance together. The best judges routine of the night by far.

– Chalk on the hands and then ending in the water? Looks like Carrie Ann stole all the cliche dance tricks from Step up 3.

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 9

My Score: 9

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Ginger
  2. Paige
  3. Wanya
  4. Antonio
  5. Nyle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Featured

Week Seven: Icons Night!

There’s nothing like celebrating famous icons by having amateur singers cover and butcher their songs. Is the budget really so low that they can’t even get the rights to the original songs for one night? My ears are still bleeding from half of those routines.

This week’s opening number was taped for the 360 degree viewing (which was super lame), but the actual routine was pretty awesome! It felt like an actual dance routine and not the usual strip tease that we are used to from the opening numbers. Fun costumes and fun choreography…finally! You’d think they would let the actual professional dancers dance more often.

This Week’s Lineup:

1.Jodie & Keo -Quickstep

“For Once in my Life” -Stevie Wonder

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The song is obviously a classic that everybody loves but it was a weird choice for  a quickstep. The rhythm was fine but I missed the powerful drumbeats that usually drive the dance. I felt like Keo gave us a real quickstep routine this week. It was a difficult routine filled with pretty advanced quickstep figures. Jodie struggled to get her heel leads in and her frame was overall pretty good but her shoulders come up a lot. I thought she did a great job with her head line though. I am somewhat of  a purist so I can appreciate a good quickstep routine but I do wish Keo would have made it a little more interesting. Still, probably the best choreo he has done this season…which isn’t saying much. What kind of guy picks a girl flowers and then gives them away to all the other women sitting around him?

-You get a flower, and you get a flower, and you get a flower…and none for Gretchen Weiners. Bye!

Judges Scores: 8, 9, 9

My Score: 8.5 -The routine was harder than an 8 deserves but it just wasn’t 9 quality. 

2. Kim & Sasha – Samba

“ABC” – Jackson 5 (sung by a 12 year old who’s voice was changing)

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I’m sorry but any celebrity who gets “pissed off” at the judges critiquing them needs to have a little reality check and get over themselves. If this was a real dance competition then you would be losing to the 8 year olds Kim, so be grateful the judges are giving you 8s. I really think Sasha is a great choreographer and he put just about everything he could into this routine. The black light section was lame but there was a lot of samba content which I respect. The fact that Kim wasn’t wearing heels is infuriating to me. The heels are one of the biggest parts of ballroom dancing! It’s half of the challenge. It is incredibly unfair to judge the contestants against each other when only some are expected to wear heels. Kim hardly had any turnout and had just about zero hip action. Yes, she still did a pretty awesome job at keeping up with some hard choreography, but I feel like the judges ignore a lot of that because she is older. They were super nice to her because she was going home. Wouldn’t it almost be more humane to give them a clue that they were going to be sent home? I think they took a page from Ben Higgins book.

-Here let me list off all the reasons I love you and then when you least expect it… BAM! We love all the other contestants more.

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 8 

3. Nyle & Peta – Foxtrot

“Beautiful Day” – U2

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I am a person who is heavily influenced by music. Beautiful Day is a great song, but it doesn’t make you feel like getting up and dancing the foxtrot. It’s the kind of song you listen to while driving down a long road contemplating life. This dance honestly looked like it was dubbed to this song, it was such a poor choice. I really think I would have liked this routine to any other song. It had some beautiful moments and lots of foxtrot content but they had to rush through the timing of everything because of the song. Listening to Nyle complain afterwards about the costumes and rehearsals going bad just made me want to call the wambulence. Costume malfunctions and last minute rehearsal changes are things that dancers have to deal with all the time. Get over it. Nyle really needs to keep his elbows more forward so his posture can be fixed and his bum won’t stick out. Also, why would they put him in that awful pink suit? It’s no wonder Sharna asked if “he” was deaf when referencing his past relationships…

Tobias Fünke: And I am off to buy the perfect present for Maebe. Maybe she’d like a suit like this.
Narrator: That is her suit.
Tobias Fünke: They probably don’t make it in a woman’s.
Narrator: They only make it in a woman’s.

Judges Scores: 10, 9, 9

My Score: 9 –The judges keep forgetting that they wrote down a 9 by the time they get their paddles going and it only happens to Nyle. Most likely because the only paddle you can hold up while looking at his face is a 10. Let’s be real. 

4. Antonio & Sharna – Tango

“Paint it Black” -Obviously not The Rolling Stones

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*You’d be shocked at how hard it was to find a picture of this dance that didn’t have an arrow pointing at the exposed Sharna. America’s full of pervs.

I’m not really sure I get the theme of this dance. Were they monks? With home made flashlight light sabers? We spent way too much time just watching them walk up and down the runway. The tango choreo itself was fine, even though Antonio messed up several times and had a big time claw hand going on her back. I usually think Sharna is basically perfection but I thought the hair was way too much. It looked like clown hair and made her look like a cheap hooker. Okay, that was mean but they could have handled the whole nip slip situation a lot smoother. When Tom Bergeron said “I’d give it a 10…”

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Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 8 –It’s a little ironic for that to happen while wearing one of the most modest costumes she had this season. 

5. Wanya & Lindsay- Foxtrot

“I Say a Little Prayer” -Aretha Franklin

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This routine was just adorable. Lindsay choreographed such a fun routine and nobody can be sad while listening to that song. The costumes and the set design were on point, even if the camera crew couldn’t seem to figure out how to film through the bushes. There were times it felt like we were spying on them from the bushes instead of watching them dance. I thought Wanya did a great job of holding up his frame and doing his best to stay connected with Lindsay. He missed a lot of heels leads and had a few awkward arms, but overall I loved this dance.

-The door is open so let me just knock on your face. 

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9 

6. Ginger & Val – Viennese Waltz

“I Have Nothing” -Whitney Houston

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Okay I LOVED this routine! I felt like they finally did the kind of dance that you could see at an American style viennese waltz competition. There was a great balance of content and free flowing movement. Watching the dance a second time definitely pin pointed some imperfections but I am still blown away by how good Ginger looked in this dance. Her frame was pretty rocking and her head lines were beautiful. I love Val’s choreography and the fact that he finished the routine so strong instead of just fading out like they normally do. I just loved this dance and felt like it was true ballroom.

-It is impossible not to feel anything when listening to that song. The world would be a better place if we all took the time to belt out some Whitney in the shower every day.

Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

7. Von & Witney – Salsa

” A Little Less Conversation” -Elvis

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For a guy who has two feet and about 200 lbs. on his partner, Von managed to make the lifts in this routine look very difficult. They really weren’t. This dance wasn’t terrible but it was definitely a let down. I really felt like Witney dropped the ball with the choreo this week. She has had Von start every routine free styling and it’s getting old. She also put in a bunch of silly filler moves that just felt contrived and insincere to me. Von has the largest and flattest feet I have ever seen. He needs to take toe leads and turn out his feet. I still enjoy watching Von dance but this routine didn’t do anything for me.

-The poor troupe dancers whose job it was to take the coat off stage and then stand there the rest of the routine. #Unnecessary 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 7 –Once again the judges are nice to the guy going home. 

8. Paige & Mark – Jive

“Proud Mary” -Tina Turner

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Now that was a jive routine. Seriously, Mark gave her the hardest jive I have ever seen on this show. I love that he got to throw in so much content because Paige is so good. Paige isn’t perfect, she dances a little bow legged sometimes, but she really nailed a super difficult routine. I love that Mark and Val both seem to be able to choreograph interesting routines while still staying within their given genre. I just hope people can appreciate how hard and fast all those turn sections were.

-A little awkward of Erin to bring up in front of everybody that she gets emotional and thinks people don’t like her…

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Judges Scores: 10, 10, 10

My Score: 10 

Team Guys- James Brown Medley

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I thought this dance was so much fun to watch. There wasn’t a ton of content but the style was awesome and I thought the transitions were pretty smooth. Basically Wanya stole the show and Von struggled to keep up but this looked like a really fun number to dance in. I love that all the other dancers just followed Nyle when he was off the music. It’s moments like that where you can see just how much music can bring people together and inspire you. Not a perfect routine but it was WAY better than the girls tonight. Hats off to you men!

Apparently Sharna couldn’t seem to get her America skirt off in time. Did she miss dress rehearsal this week? 

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 10

My Score: 9 

Team Girls: Beyonce Medley

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I don’t know whose idea it was to go from “Until the End of Time” to “If I Were a Boy” but they should be fired. It killed all the energy and momentum that the routine had going. I hate it when you see a costume and it’s so bad that you know it’s going to get ripped off to reveal something else. It just ruins all the fun and surprise of the costume reveal. There were a lot of malfunctions with the skirts and even if they had worked out, I’m not sure it was worth it. There were fun moments in this routine but it was very unimpressive overall. Kim was noticeably struggling throughout the routine and got a little nasty in her beginning solo. I’m not sure if we should blame the girls or the guys for the poor choreography and song choices. Also those costumes weren’t flattering on any of them except Paige.

-I think they left their jelly at home. #Theyweren’treadyforit

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 9

My Score: 8 

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Paige

  2. Ginger

  3. Wanya

  4. Nyle

  5. Jodie

  6. Antonio

Can you believe we are already down to six?!

 

Featured

Week Six: Famous Dances!

Sometimes we watch famous dances and wonder what it would be like to join them. Most of us think we would look like Wanya but in reality we would all be a bunch of Dougs just trying to stay float.

The opening number was pretty fun and I’m pretty sure it made the record books for “Most Clothes Worn on Female Dancers on this show Ever.” The girls really didn’t do much in this routine because who wants to see girls dance with their clothes on? Also, Val coming out in the sparkly briefs was weird. Are there 12 year old producers back there calling the shots?

#Dancersarenotfunny

-Girl’s are made to booty shake, not dance. 

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This Week’s Lineup:

1. Kim & Sasha – Jive

“You Can’t Stop the Beat” -Hairspray

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“Are you kidding me right now? Please, I’ve had two kids.” I feel like that used to be a comment people would make after like 10 kids. Do we live in a world where having two kids gives you bragging rights? Anyways, drama aside, Kim really kinda killed this number. She did a good job of getting her feet up but she is still a little slow. She doesn’t know how to work her feet through her heels. Also there was like a whole section where they showed only the male troupe dancers and not her. I can only assume that whatever she was doing was not television worthy. I thought it was a fun routine but I am a little surprised that Kim wasn’t in the bottom three this week. I think Sasha is a great choreographer and that’s why she will stick around for a while.

– Can we find some judges who aren’t attention whores? 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 8 

2. Von & Witney – Jazz

“Bad” -Michael Jackson

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I’m a little torn about this dance because there were a lot of great moments and a lot of “meh” moments. He always seemed a little less sharp than the troupe dancers but I think that also has to do with the fact that everything takes him longer because he is HUGE! Seriously, he made the troupe dancers look like they were midgets. I think Von did about as good as he could have but I do wish there was less walking around. It also had a very anti climactic ending. And why was Witney lip syncing so much?

-You’re the kind of tall where when you walk through the airport, people stop what they’re eating and look at you. 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 8 – 8 is the new 7 peeps. 

3. Jodie & Keo – Contemporary

“Try” – Pink

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I really can’t tell if Jodie is overreacting or if she just keeps getting seriously injured but man, she really knows how to cry out in pain. Stephanie should have been the one falling off the horse instead of Michelle because we would have felt that fall! #fullhousenerd Keo was lucky this week because he really didn’t have to do much choreography. He mostly just took the cool lifts from the music video, which were still kinda cool. Then he threw in his only contemporary section and it was awkward. Typical Keo choreography that’s really choppy and doesn’t highlight his partner at all. I thought Jodie did awesome in this routine. With what she was given, I really felt the emotion from her. I’m not sure why Keo had to jump and break the desk at the end. Yes, it was cool, but then we all had to awkwardly wait for him to just get back up again. #unnecessary

-Go back and watch Keo’s terrible fan kick in the middle of the routine. Trust me, it’s bad and it’s worth watching…multiple times.  

Judges Scores: 9, 8, 8

My Score: 9 –For Jodie, not for Keo… Never for Keo 

4. Paige & Mark -Jazz

-Austin Powers

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Am I the only one who hates Austin Powers themes? Who wants to watch a creepy guy gyrate with a bunch of hippies? I think Mark did as well as he could with the theme but I really just couldn’t love this dance because of it. Paige obviously danced great and showed off more of her background in dance. I have heard her mom owns a dance studio which makes sense why her pique turns and her pirouettes are basically perfect. I think for anybody else, this dance would have been super difficult, but it just seemed too easy for Paige. She didn’t do much and then they ended with that toe touch which was a little lame to me. Didn’t she say she could do a front flip? What happened to that idea?

-Seriously way too much gyrating going on. Either a bold choreographic statement or you have officially run out of ideas. 

Judges Scores: 9, 10, 9

My Score: 9 

5. Nyle & Peta -Quickstep

“Hey Pachuco” -The Mask

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Boy the video package editors were really hating on Nyle this week. It looked like Nyle was a big time overconfident douche this week, but I have a feeling that most of that was editing. Honestly, I thought he did an awesome job with keeping the character of the dance. Yes, he was crazy out of control but I feel like that’s how Jim Carrey would have done it too. The judges didn’t give him any breaks even though he had to do quickstep while all the other people did mostly jazz and whatever else they wanted. And yes, he got off the music, but so did just about everybody else who can actually hear the music. I just really felt like there was a lot of undue hatred towards Nyle this week but maybe that’s because this is the first week they couldn’t see his beautiful face.

-Watching a man get his hopes and dreams dashed while wearing The Mask was a little bit heart wrenching. 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 9

My Score: 8 

6. Ginger & Val -Jazz

“Nasty Boys” -Janet Jackson

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I really thought Ginger nailed it this week. It’s not easy to keep up with a group of all male professional dancers but I thought she kept up with them pretty well. The judges said she didn’t have enough attitude but I didn’t feel that way at all. She was a little awkward in the solo section at the very beginning, but besides that I felt like she was rocking it the whole way through. I did feel like they could have machoed up the troupe dancers a little bit more. The tank tops made it look like they would rather dance with each other than with Janet.

-Who called the hot cops? 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 8 

7. Doug & Karina – Bollywood

“Jai Ho” – Slumdog Millionaire

**Worst Costumes of the Night Alert! #budgetcuts?

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Doug Flutie has such a football player’s mentality. You can tell that he looks at dance like a football game. If I do all the right steps on the right counts then I win, right? Unfortunately, dance is also an art form. Doug is like the bagpipe of the musical instrument world. Yes, it technically plays music, but nobody really wants to listen to it. I don’t want to be too harsh on Doug because he really tries so so hard and I find that truly admirable, but there were a whole lot of cringeworthy moments in this routine. I’ve never in my life thought that there was such a thing as football player hands, but after watching that dance it’s really the only way to describe his dancing. He’s isn’t technically doing anything wrong but nothing about it looks right either.

-If you want to know who’s going home then just look at who the judges are particularly nice to. #justanotherwhiteguywhocan’tdance

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7 –7’s are obviously the new 6. I wonder if the troupe dancers felt as silly with the ribbons as it looked. 

8. Wanya & Lindsay -Jazz

“Bye, Bye, Bye” -Nsync

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Can I just say what we’re all thinking? Why can’t I be best friends with Wanya and Joey?! Is there some kind of secret boy band hang out that I need to break into? I really LOVED Wanya in this routine. I thought that he killed it and I could have watched it all day. Except for that pas de deux section in the middle… that part was weird. But you mostly forgot about it by the end so it was okay. I love how much Wanya commits to each dance. This was easily my favorite dance of the night.

-Was it just me or was Lance Bass third wheeling it hardcore?

Judges Scores: 10, 9, 10

My Score: 10 

**Side Bar: Can we just all agree that Sharna needs to own up to what she said and admit that saying that Nyle and Wanya were the frontrunners was a jerk move? Antonio doesn’t get a lot of sympathy from me but he definitely deserved more of an apology than the one she never gave him. –“I’m so sorry you feel that way” is just a nice way of saying, it’s not me, it’s you. 

9. Antonio & Sharna -Jive

“Footloose”

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I thought this was a fun dance and I felt like it was easily one of Antonio’s best. I don’t know how Antonio is at practice but it always seems like he can do more than Sharna gives him. His routines are always just a little too easy for me. He did a great job this week and should have been given more to do. That being said, I enjoyed watching this number and that back flip was actually pretty awesome.

-I would pay big money to watch Antonio reenact the angry warehouse dance scene now.  

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9 

 

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Wanya

  2. Jodie

  3. Paige

  4. Antonio

  5. Kim

  6. Ginger

  7. Von

  8. Nyle

Featured

Week Five: Switch Ups!

The one thing about this show that everybody can agree on is that switch up week is the worst. Even if the switch ups work out well, they still have to go back to their partner the next week so it gets awkward real fast.

Guest Judge: Maks Chmerkovskiy -Actually gave some good critiques but then had to go and refer to himself in the third person. #everybodycomeseehowgoodilook

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The opening number song was fun and catchy so I think it fooled a lot of people into thinking it was a fun dance. It really wasn’t. They mostly just did a whole lot of walking around. And I’m pretty sure Lindsay wears this costume every week.

– Not quite sure where the line is drawn between costumes and lingerie. 

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This Week’s Lineup:

1. Wanya & Witney -Tango

“Hold Back the River” -James Bay

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Before we talk about any dancing, can we just all agree that James Bay does not write great tangos? Yes, he writes beautiful music, but not all great songs should be tangoed to. Also, Wanya’s shirt was hideous. But let’s jut put all that aside. I thought Wanya kept a great frame and he did a phenomenal job with keeping his head and feet sharp. He just had way too much turnout for a standard dance and he took a whole lot of toe leads. He is a lot more natural at the latin dances but I still thought he pulled off this dance well. For how well he was dancing I was surprised there wasn’t a better connection between him and Witney. I feel like she needed to stop back leading him so that they could stay together better.

-Yes, sometimes the pros are imperfect. I’m a little afraid of being shot for saying that though. 

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 7, 8

My Score: 8 –It was a WAY harder routine than anybody else’s this week 

2. Kim & Keo -Viennese Waltz

“These Arms of Mine” -Otis Redding

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I felt like Kim and Keo each needed their own score this week. This was a very average number, but that had nothing to do with the way that Kim danced it. I felt like she did such a great job of extending and performing and I loved watching her in this dance. I’m always surprised at how well she does because the video packages make her look so clumsy. Keo just needs some serious choreography help. He hardly used the stage at all and was either reaching or doing very basic steps. He tried to blame it on the height difference but that was BS. If Von can dance with Witney in frame then Keo and Kim sure can.

-If “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts then we’d all have a merry Christmas 

Judges Scores: 8, 6, 6, 8

My Score: 7 –She performed well but didn’t do enough to merit an 8 

3. Doug & Peta -Tango

“Black and Gold”

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I really am starting to like Doug more and more. Even though he knows that he is on the struggle bus, he is really fighting for it! He improved so much this week. Yes, his feet were a flat footed mess, his head was consistently looking right, and his frame looked like he was holding onto Peta for dear life, but he actually did a real routine this week! So far Karina has only been giving him very simple baby routines, but Peta didn’t hold back. Yes, the contra checks were sloppy, but at least he did them! Peta was obviously whispering in his ear the entire routine but this was easily Doug’s best night by far.

-Don’t believe me that he was holding Peta too tight? Feast your eyes on this gem. #youbelongtomenow #handgoesontheleftshoulderbladebuddy 

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Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7

My Score: 6 –Doug might actually last a couple more weeks if he stays with Peta. 

4. Ginger & Mark -Salsa

“La Malanga” -Eddie Palmieri

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I like Ginger a lot. I also like Mark a lot. I do not like them as partners. Ginger is just too tall for Mark. I feel like I should like this routine because the choreo was good and Mark is ridiculously fun to watch salsa dance. It still didn’t hit the mark. Ginger was a little bit too slow and she was dancing a little bit bow legged. She still performed her heart out but this wasn’t her best dance.

-Does Ginger’s husband seem a little flamboyant to anyone else? 

**You should know that I feel like a terrible person for posting this picture because I was too tall for most of my partners as well…

That being said, does this not look like she is dancing with her kid brother? 

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Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8

My Score: 7 – Mark gets a 10 though. He killed it. 

5. Antonio & Karina -Cha Cha

“Son of a Preacher Man”

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Antonio sure didn’t win over any points by being late to practice. He does know that the audience voting for him cares more about the show than football right? This number was bad. Just about everything about this number was bad. I could leave it at that but I think I’ll go through and tell you exactly why it was so bad. 1. Antonio had zero hip action. It’s cha cha, that’s the whole point! 2. They had zero chemistry together. Just because you put two attractive people on stage grinding on each other, doesn’t mean you’ll get any sparks. 3. The costumes were bad. Antonio’s jacket was distracting and Karina’s costume was revealing, but not in a good way. 4. Karina should join Keo in the “Needs help with choreo” club. There wasn’t a lot of actual cha cha, and nothing felt like it was to the music. I felt like they could have turned on any song and it would have fit the music just as well. Poor Doug and Jodie are going to be out soon because of it.

-Are we supposed to be impressed that he can do a flip on the trampoline? 

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 6, 7

My Score: 6 –I’m not sure Sharna was really that sad about the scores seeing as how she admitted on tv that Nyle and Wanya were the frontrunners. See what I mean about switch ups getting awkward fast? 

6. Paige and Sasha -Rumba

“Perfect” -One Direction

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Paige looked gorgeous in this number. There wasn’t a whole lot of rumba but it was still a nice routine. Not great, but not bad. She definitely looked better in the non rumba parts rather than the actual rumba sections. I thought the spin trick was pretty cool too. She obviously felt uncomfortable dancing with Sasha and we could all feel it. Smiling at someone does not mean you are in love. It was like watching a date on the bachelorette where you know she is being nice but going to send the guy home after dinner. And then instead of a kiss goodnight they end super awkwardly fumbling over trying to hold each other’s hand.

-Poor Sasha doesn’t even get a key to the fantasy suite. 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 7, 8

My Score: 8 –Paige is losing a bit of steam here

** Am I the only one who thinks it’s awkward when the cast dances to the same song as the celebrities? It’s like saying, “We got the rights to this song and we didn’t think Doug Flutie would do it justice. In your face, Doug and Peta!”

7. Von & Lindsay -Jive

“Hips” -Beans & Fatback

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I find Von very fun to watch dance. He’s the kind of guy who would kill at dance parties. Unfortunately, you never really forget he’s a football player when you watch him dance. It’s like the second any music comes on it inhibits all football players’ ability to move their feet quickly. I thought Lindsay created a good routine. I’m normally not a fan of mixing country dancing with anything latin, but she made it work. Von must have been wearing ankle weights because his feet never left the ground.

-I think it’s in Lindsay’s contract that she must never wear any form of skirt or pants.

-Does anybody think the fart jokes are still funny? #dancersarentfunny

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7 

**Guest appearance from Tyra Banks. I’m just grateful she didn’t use the words smize or booty tooch once. I get the feeling that she mostly came onto the show because she wants to take credit for Nyle. Does she not get enough attention on her own show?

**Best Moment of the Night: “And was he deaf as well?” Oh Sharna. You know what happens when you assume…

8. Nyle & Sharna

“I Get to Love You” -Ruelle

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I can hardly put into words how much I loved this dance. Sharna is easily one of the best pros and she created a really beautiful routine. There was a lot of Viennese Waltz content but they still managed to portray the emotion of the dance. There are still plenty of things to critique about Nyle’s frame and his footwork, but I love it when a dance is good enough that I don’t care as much about those things. They even had pretty awesome rib to rib connection in the closed frame portions!

-Sharna is wasted on Antonio 

Judges Scores: 9, 10, 9, 9 –You had ONE job Maks…

My Score: 10 –Especially compared to anything else this week 

9. Jodie & Val – Paso Doble

“Under Control” -Somebody who obviously wasn’t Calvin Harris

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Can we just have Jodie keep Val as her partner? This dance was definitely not perfect but she looked so much better dancing with Val than she ever has dancing with Keo. I really hated the song choice. They were basically dancing the Paso Doble to a terrible cha cha. I thought that Jodie did such a good job of trying to bring the intensity that the paso is known for but the music didn’t match their intensity at all. Jodie tends to dance like she has an iron rod in her spine. She needs to loosen up a lot more so her movement can be bigger but I thought she did a great job and I enjoyed watching her dance as long as it was on mute.

-What is it about that singer’s voice that makes me want to punch someone in the face? 

Judges Scores: 9, 8, 9, 9

My Score: 9 

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Nyle
  2. Jodie
  3. Paige
  4. Wanya
  5. Ginger
  6. Von
  7. Kim
  8. Doug
  9. Antonio

 

Week One: Premier!

 

Great opening number! It looks like this is going to be the year of the football players. Let’s just hope it’s also the year of men dancing shirtless. Let’s get this party started!

This Week’s lineup:

1. Kim & Sasha -Cha Cha

“Sax” by Fleur East

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Kim is so happy and full of life that she will do well on this show even if she never learns how to dance. I love her already. This routine was a great way to start the show! Her timing was really sloppy and there was no hip action whatsoever but I thought she had great energy and she performed the crap out of this routine.

-I think we all need a little sax break now and then

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 7

2. Paige & Mark -Foxtrot

“Ain’t Got Far To Go” by Jess Glynne

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I know that Paige is a fighter and all but the girl has obvs got some serious dance training in her. Even exceptionally athletic people don’t pull a number like that out of their hat. It was way too fast for a foxtrot though. There were obviously no discussions about foxtrot timing beforehand. Whatever they did though, she looked pretty awesome doing it. She is obviously a great contender for the mirror ball.

-What goes better with a gorgeous orange gown than a pink floral jacket? #Costumedepartmentfail

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 8 –Girl’s got moves

3. Doug and Karina-Foxtrot

“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond

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Doug Flutie seems like a sweet guy. Nothing better than hearing about dads who take their daughters to dance class. You wouldn’t know it by watching this number, but there is a lot more to foxtrot than chasses and grapevines. Unfortunately, I’m not sure Karina could put any legit foxtrot steps in because poor Doug’s head might have exploded. He struggled in a routine filled with walking and sun bursts. That does not bode well for his future on this show.

-The pivots got seriously out of control. I think he almost spun her to death! 

Judges Scores: 5, 5, 5

My Score: 5 –Underdog or lost cause?

4. Jodie & Keo -Tango

“Confident” by Demi Lovato

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Full disclosure: I love Full House, therefor I love Jodie Sweetin. And props to her and Keo for doing a dance that actually looked like a tango! Yes, she needs to work on her frame in promenade, and she needs to keep her head left on her pivots, but there were some pretty beautiful same foot lunges in there! I admire them for tackling a pretty tough routine but I have a feeling like it will get lost in the crowd a little bit.

Keo needs to ditch the high top 

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 7 –Judges critiqued her like she’s the pro dancer. Give the girl a break!

 

5. Geraldo & Edyta- Cha Cha

“Treasure” by Bruno Mars

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What do you do with a man who can’t dance? Step snap, step snap, and point, point, point, point. Even then I’m not sure Geraldo managed to do that correctly. Edyta might as well have been on stage by herself for as much as he was leading her. Sorry Geraldo, you seem like a nice guy but I doubt we will be seeing much of you.

-Sometimes nice guys really do finish last

Judges Scores: 5, 4, 4

My Score: 4

**Side Bar: Tom Bergeron quoted saying “I haven’t seen that paddle in a while.” #saltinthewound #douchejar

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6. Marla & Tony -Quickstep

“Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend”

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Marla looks better at 52 than most people do in their 20s. Seriously, she obviously has the secret to aging well and we all need to attack her for her secrets. Or just ask politely. Starting off with quickstep is a big order and this was an actual quickstep routine, as opposed to the running around they do the majority of the time on this show. Marla struggled to keep up with it but I thought she did an exceptional job considering this is the first week. Plus she nailed her cartwheel at the end and you can tell she was super proud of it so she gets point for that. 

-Marla must eat young girls to keep herself looking so good. That is really the only explanation 

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7 –It’s all about the cartwheel 

7. Wanya & Lindsay -Cha Cha

“Motownphilly”

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Wanya might not remember to break on the two but the boy has got some moves! The cha cha portion of the routine was a hot mess and the camera decided to not show Wanya’s feet for most of it so I have a feeling it was a little sloppy. That aside, the rest of this dance was super fun. Wanya has a ton of personality and it comes out in his dancing. The costumes were clashing like crazy so it was a little hard to stay concentrated on the dancing.

-Wanya takes hip thrusts to a professional level

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 7 for the cha cha, 10 for the swag

8. Ginger & Val -Jive

“Move” -Dream girls

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Can I just give a HUGE shoutout to Ginger for Keepin’ It Real!! Pumping breastmilk on national television like a badA! Ginger might be the cutest contestant this season. Jive is easily one of the hardest dances to fake technique. Ginger needs to work on her feet but I thought she did a great job performing despite being a little slow at times. She actually looked like she was enjoying the dance which is half the battle!

-Whenever the camera zooms out, I know to look for the mistakes they are trying to hide #Imontoyoucamera

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 7 –You can’t get an 8 just by being cute

9. Mischa & Artem – Tango

“In The Night” -The Weekend

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“I’ve actually danced a lot in my life.” I would love to know what she really meant by this statement. What kind of dancing? Is there a form of dancing that doesn’t involve any kind of bodily movement whatsoever? Poor uncoordinated soul, it’s sad, but true. At the very least keep your elbows up woman! This dance was so cringeworthy. And isn’t she an actress? She could have at least put something more on her face than the grimace she had plastered on.

-What is it about dancing that kills all acting ability? 

Judges Scores: 5, 5, 6

My Score: 5 –Bruno is too nice

**I’m pretty sure this dance also gets a trophy for “Worst Costume of the Premier” 

-What’s with the white undershirt? 

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10. Nyle & Peta -Cha Cha

“Cake By The Ocean” -DNCE

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Oh HELLO Nyle! Can I just stare at you for a little while? Nyle didn’t do a whole lot of actual cha cha in this routine but the boy still has some moves. The upper half of his body was all good news. Good posture, strong arms, nice abs…It’s just that the bottom half was out of control. Negative amounts of turnout, lots of heel leads, some of the flattest feet I have ever seen. Still…he IS nice to look at. Am I right ladies?

-Turns out, you can survive on good looks alone

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 7 –Doing one sloppy new yorker does not earn an 8

11. Antonio & Sharna -Quickstep

“Bad Man” -Pitbull

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I’m just going to say it…Antonio seems like a douche who likes to hear his own voice and stare at himself in the mirror. I’d love for him to prove me wrong though because he is pretty fun to watch dance. Is he good at the quickstep? No. He has a serious case of forward head and he keeps staring at Sharna (I don’t blame him. She is a goddess), but he really needs to work on keeping his head left. Still, he did a good job performing and his touchdown dance made me laugh. Points for that.

-How’s business?…losing to the quickstep 

Judges Scores: 8, 6, 7

My Score: 7 –Man’s got a killer smile, what can I say?

12. Von and Witney -Foxtrot

“My House” -Flo Rida

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Von seems like one of the only professional football players who doesn’t take himself too seriously, which I LOVE! This dance made me smile a lot. The foxtrot timing was horrendous, that weave was all kinds of a disaster, and he had his head right for the majority of it, but Von had some serious swag going on the rest of the dance.

-Can we take a minute to teach Bruno how to look like a man when he does his port de bras? 

Judes Scores: 8, 6, 7

My Score: 7 –Did Carrie Anne see that weave?

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Paige
  2. Wanya
  3. Von
  4. Ginger
  5. Antonio
  6. Jodie
  7. Nyle
  8. Marla
  9. Kim
  10. Mischa
  11. Doug
  12. Geraldo

Week Two: Latin Night!

Let’s just start with the opening number. It’s latin night people. You’ve got professional latin dancers so why not let them actually do some LATIN dancing? The routine might have had a couple new yorkers and some bachacatas but it was mostly booty shaking and hairography. I get it, give the people what they want…but I’m pretty sure even a wide uninformed audience could have appreciated a little more authentic latin dancing. I did love the costumes, even though they were a little bit on the skimpy side.

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This Week’s Lineup:

1.Jodie & Keo- Samba

“Burn Up The Dance”

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Did anyone else notice the Macarena in the beginning? It happened. Keo is famous for choreographing boring dances but this routine was actually okay. The flames definitely helped. Also Jodie Sweetin rocked that gold dress! There was a lot of samba content but not a whole lot of hip action or bounce going on. Jodie performed well though so it was still fun to watch. Nobody will probably remember this routine by the end of the night.

-Is it a rule that they always have to run down the stairs?  

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7 – The “meh” score

2. Marla & Tony- Argentine Tango

“Don’t” – Ed Sheeran

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Dancing on a chair already has stripper connotations without adding crotch shots to it. Seriously, why do people think that’s an okay thing to do while straddling a chair on national television? And no, it has nothing to do with the Argentine tango. I’m pretty sure this dance might have offended all of Argentina with one move. That aside, this number was average. It wasn’t an interesting dance and Marla was very stiff and had no expression the entire dance. Also the song choice was just bad. I thought this was latin night. We can’t find any Argentine tangos with a latin sounding rhythm?

-If I give up meat and dairy and everything good, will I look like Marla when I’m 52? 

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 6 

3. Geraldo & Edyta- Salsa

“Ran Kan Kan” by Tito Puente

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Oh Geraldo. Unfortunately your Puerto Rican blood couldn’t help you out this week. I’m sure Geraldo is a very nice guy but he just can’t dance. Let’s be real, he did nothing in this routine. And he even managed to forget half the routine while doing nothing. Poor Edyta just kept swimming like a champ but there was just no saving that routine.

-Bye Felicia 

Judges Scores: 5, 4, 4 –Judges got some boos but they were being generous

My Score: 3

4. Paige & Mark- Salsa (but not really Mark)

“Vem Dancar Kuduro”

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Paige is just awesome. She rocked it this week. I’m not sure there were a whole lot of salsa moves in there but I mostly didn’t care because she was killing it. Yes, her shoulders ride up and make her look like she has no neck, but she will definitely make the top two. Anyone who says differently is wrong or lying.

-It takes a very secure man to wear a bright pink unbuttoned shirt. Props to you man.

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 9 

**Nothing is better than this moment where Paige looks at Mark like he is being a wimp.

-Rub some dirt on it.

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5. Antonio & Sharna- Rumba

“Adorn” by Cole Rosbury

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Wait, that was rumba? I know I saw Sharna throwing out a few rumba walks every once in a while, but did Antonio even do one rumba step? No. He definitely did not. Come on Sharna. Where’s the hockey sticks and sliding doors? He walked around the stage and did some sun bursts. Don’t believe me? Watch the routine again and only watch Antonio. He does NOTHING! Sharna is a ballroom goddess so she blinded the audience into thinking Antonio did a good job. He didn’t.

All the talk about blood flow…keep it PG Antonio #wereallydidntneedtoknow

Judges Scores: 6, 6, 7

My Score: 5 –Seriously guys…he did nothing. 

6. Kim & Sasha- Salsa

“Conga” by Gloria Estefan

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I actually really liked this routine! A lot of great salsa content and Kim was crushing it! They usually give the older contestants slower, watered down pansy routines but she was doing some difficult steps. It was all good until the end when things started going downhill fast. I really hope it was a mistake and that the routine wasn’t supposed to end so awkwardly.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 6

My Score: 7 –Come on judges, people make mistakes 

7. Nyle & Peta- Rumba

“Stole The Show” Parson James

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Was this routine like 10 seconds long? It started off looking like a rumba and then morphed into this hybrid generic ballroom moves with lots of reaches. That being said, I thought Nyle did a phenomenal job with what he was given. He took a whole lot of heels leads which makes me cringe, but he knows how to use his legs, which is pretty rare for most tall men. I’m still a Nyle fan but I wish Peta would have given him some actual rumba steps to pick up.

-Begging for some rumba walks!

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 7 

8. Mischa & Artem- Cha Cha

“Pata Pata” by Miriam Makeba

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How in the world couldn’t they find a guy taller than Mischa to be her partner? It’s no wonder the poor girl looks like she wants to cry at all times. Maybe that’s why she is constantly complaining about everything. If you look up “Doesn’t Want To Be Here” in the dictionary then you will find a link to this routine. It was beyond terrible. Mischa is not only uncoordinated but she also has no basic rhythm. How bored did she look at the start of their routine?! You’re an actress Mischa!!! You seriously can’t even pretend to be happy?!

I have never cringed so much in my life 

Judges Scores: 5, 5, 5

My Score: 4 –At least you scored higher than Geraldo 

9. Von & Witney- Cha Cha

“Ain’t Too Cool” by Lunchmoney Lewis

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This was a fun routine and I’m a Von fan. But not the kind of fan that thinks he is the best dancer, mostly the kind of fan that wants to watch the Bachelor together. Von did a couple very sloppy new yorkers but he did very little cha cha besides that. Or maybe he did and I just couldn’t tell because his timing was way off. Von was a little too cool to dance in this routine.

-Nothing like grinding up on someone you just met. If only life were like these routines…

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 6 –You gotta break on the 2 buddy

10. Wanya & Lindsay -Salsa

“Echa Pa’lla” by Pitbull

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LOVED this number! Super fun, super energetic, and just downright good. You know it’s a good dance when you want to be up there doing it with them. It is impossible to not smile when you watch Wanya shimmy! Wanya did an awesome job and looked like he was actually leading his partner! Which is rare for the male celebrities on this show if you haven’t noticed.

-Seriously though, I need more Wanya shimmy in my life #myspiritdancemove

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 9 – They were ROBBED!

11. Doug & Karina -Paso Doble

“Buster Voodoo” by Rodrigo y Gabriela

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They found a dance that Doug doesn’t look terrible in, but did he ever get his hips forward in true paso doble form? No. He mostly just marched around the stage. Granted it was much better than last week, but still not good. I can’t say much about this routine because there really wasn’t much to this routine.

-Nice try Karina, better luck next partner 

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 6 

12. Ginger & Val -Samba

“Sorry (Latino remix)” by Justin Bieber

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Finally some latin dancing! Thank you Val for giving us some latin content to judge on LATIN night! Samba walks, and pivots, and all the good stuff we love about samba. It’s too bad that Ginger kept her weight too high and was off balance the whole routine because it might have actually been a good routine otherwise. And can we talk about those costumes? I have nothing to say except that they were terrible. Even Val couldn’t pull off the open blazer with skinny jeans look.

-If Val can’t pull it off then NO ONE CAN!

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7 – But Val gets a 9 for finally adding some syllabus steps in there!

This Weeks Lineup by Dance Critic:

  1. Wanya
  2. Paige
  3. Nyle
  4. Jodie
  5. Ginger
  6. Kim
  7. Von
  8. Marla
  9. Doug
  10. Antonio
  11. Mischa

It’s a shame there was so little latin dancing during latin night. 

 

 

 

Week Three: Most Memorable Year!

The week where we get to remind ourselves that celebrities are just people like us! Only with a lot more money…and a lot more friends…and better hair…

This Week’s Lineup:

1.Ginger and Val- Contemporary

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First let’s just talk about the song. Normally the singers don’t bother me much but the singer of this song has a particularly heinous sounding voice. That being said, this dance was fine. I’m not sure there was a whole lot of actual contemporary in it. Mostly just acting and lifting, but Ginger did a great job. The ending was supposed to give us the feels but it felt a little contrived to me.

-Does it get any more real than having your baby crying on national television? 

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 6, A 10 for whoever made that RHINESTONED BABY CARRIER! Is that for real?!!

2. Doug and Karina- Waltz

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Can we please just have Rihanna sing every song? Doug Flutie’s video package made me want to cry. I mean how do you give any bad critiques about a man dancing for his dead parents? Well unfortunately the emotion of the dance didn’t overpower the poor dancing. Yes, Doug has got the sunburst arms DOWN, and Karina made sure to put in as many as she could to fill the time. Unfortunately he still looked like he had just grown legs and was learning how to walk for the first time. 

If dance were easier then it would be called football, eh Doug?

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 5 – Yes, I have a heart of stone 

3. Kim and Sasha- Foxtrot

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Maybe you need to be a Facts of Life fan to get this number. It was cute. The costume was terrible, but Kim always does a great job performing and she has great posture. There were some actual foxtrot steps being done but the timing of the steps were way off. That being said, it was a cute number but highly forgettable by the end of the night.

-Was it really choreographed to end cuddling on the couch or did they forget it wasn’t dress rehearsal? 

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 7

My Score: 7 – A 2 to whoever couldn’t find a way to put more rhinestones on that costume. 

4. Von and Witney- Contemporary?

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Let’s be honest. What did Von even do in this dance? He walked around and then did some signature Sonya Tayeh lifts. Can we start calling this genre dalking? A hybrid of walking that involves some reaches into the distance? I’m a Von fan but this week’s routine didn’t do anything for me.

-At least they kept his shirt off..am I right ladies? 

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score: 6 

5. Marla and Tony- Jive

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Now I’ve always said that jive is easily the hardest dance to look coordinated in when you are a non dancer. I thought Marla did a good job of keeping up with her feet and she was trying to get that recoil action in there so she gets points for effort. Unfortunately Tony thought it was a good idea to include some butt spanking in the dance like that’s a viable choreography option. Really?

-Nothing like watching your mom get spanked on national television 

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score 7- The score that says- not terrible, but definitely not good. 

6. Antonio and Sharna- Foxtrot

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Okay, the suit was terrible and Antonio’s frame left something to be desired, but I still liked this routine. They were actually doing some real foxtrot feather steps and even though Antonio walks like an elephant, I could see the effort behind all the steps. Something about seeing a big, strong guy put all he has into the foxtrot makes me melt a little inside.

-This song is now my jam. 

Judges Scores: 7, 6, 7

My Score 7 – We seem to be in a slump this week 

7. Paige and Mark- Paso Doble

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I’m all about the creative staging and camera work but there’s no way that dance was fun for the audience to watch. Could they even see them in the cage? Also, there was maybe like one paso doble step in the whole dance. It was a fight dance. It happened to be a very good fight dance though so nobody cared. I have a hard time believing Paige hasn’t had serious dance experience because of how good her battements were in this number. Paige looks like she would be good at everything she does. That last punch was terrifying.

-Don’t be a bully because your victims will grow up to become professional cage fighters and murder you

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 8 – How do you be so good Paige? 

8. Jodie and Keo- Foxtrot

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I get it Jodie, Fuller House pulled me out of my depression too. I actually really liked this number. I thought she hit some great lines and her frame was pretty phenomenal for someone with no dance background. Keo needs to work on his choreography a little bit. He is either doing strictly ballroom steps or he is standing and making hand gestures. Someone needs to help him out before Jodie falls behind because of it.

– Just because the song says rise up doesn’t mean you have to repeatedly rise up. We get it.

Judges Scores: 8, 7, 8

My Score: 8

9. Mischa & Artem- Samba

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I wish I could give Mischa a break but I mean come on, how hard is it to be famous? It must really suck having tons of money and everyone wanting to be your friend. From the video packages it looks like she spends the majority of her day complaining and not practicing which makes sense because this dance was terrible. A samba with no hip action and no timing. The judges were really nice I think because they knew she was going home. Because no, it didn’t look like she was having more fun. She still looked like she wanted to murder her agent for making her do the show.

Mischa doesn’t have RBF, she has RFF (Resting Furious Face) 

Judges Scores: 6, 6, 6 – Obviously a consolation prize 

My Score: 5 – That’s me being generous 

10. Wanya and Lindsay- Waltz

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The Star Spangled Banner was just not meant to be danced to. Not a good song choice but luckily Linsday is incredibly talented and managed to pull off a good routine despite the song choice. Wanya didn’t look super confident in the beginning of the dance but he seemed to find his stride halfway through. In the end there wasn’t a lot of waltz steps but they both did a great job. I love that Wanya takes every dance seriously, he’s one of my faves for sure.

– Who likes to listen to the sound of their own voice, let alone dance to it? 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8

My Score: 8 – I’d give it a 10 if nobody ever dances to the national anthem ever again

11. Nyle and Peta- Tango

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Did anybody get the ending where she just kinda held his head before walking back? Did I miss something. I’m a big Nyle fan. Not only is he an Adonis but he seems to have some moves. That being said, this was not my favorite routine. Something about the way he was walking made him look like he had on invisible swim flippers. It was more like running across the stage in frame than anything actually tango. Still a Nyle fan, but this number did nothing for me.

-Why have the chair if you don’t ever dance with it?

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 9

My Score: 8

This week’s rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Paige

  2. Wanya

  3. Jodie

  4. Nyle

  5. Antonio

  6. Kim

  7. Marla

  8. Ginger

  9. Von

  10. Doug

What did you think of this week’s episode?

 

 

Featured

Week Four: Disney Week!

Disney night is my all time favorite night that DWTS does! Nothing better than watching some dancing while getting to re-live your childhood.

Guest Judge- Zendaya Coleman. *Spoiler Alert: She talks about herself.

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The opening number was Phenomenal! So much fun and great choreography. I think the costuming department spent a little too much time on the disney costumes and not enough on the opening number.
Oh, they need a costume?… Let’s just glue some string lights to their underwear and we’ll call it good. #Keepingitclassy
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This Week’s Lineup:

 

1. Antonio Brown & Sharna Burgess- Jazz 

“Friend Like Me”- Aladdin

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I genuinely enjoyed watching this dance. Was it very difficult? No. Did the backup dancers help make Antonio look a lot more coordinated? Yes. Was Antonio lip syncing the song at times? Most definitely. Really fun choreography though. Great way to start the night and some great music from Aladdin. What else could you need? *Maybe some looser fitting pants for Sharna.

We get it, girl’s got legs. Jasmine would never approve. 

Judges scores: 9, 8, 9, 9

My Score: 8- Fun number but not difficult enough to merit a 9. 

2. Marla Maples and Tony Dovolani- Waltz

“Part of Your World”- The Little Mermaid

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I can’t be the only one who noticed that they weren’t dancing to a waltz. Viennese waltz maybe, but waltz was a HUGE stretch. That aside, this was an average number. Great song, fine choreo, but nothing really special about it. Marla was a little stiff and awkward and it looked like her smile was botoxed onto her face. That being said, I would pay big money to be able to dance that well and look that good in a mermaid costume at 52. Spoiler alert: She’s out of here.

– Nothing like trying to hold onto your dignity while being voted off in a mermaid costume. 

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7- The score that you give a forgettable number. 

 

**Let’s take a break to do some male striptease with a cartoon tiger, because that’s what disney night is all about.
– Hip thrusts are GRRREAT!

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3. Nyle DiMarco & Peta Murgatroyd- Samba

“Trashin’ the Camp”- Tarzan

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Nyle + loin cloth = Awesome number! It’s the first number of the night with any actual ballroom content! Peta packed in a whole lot of samba goodness in there and they weren’t bronze level moves people! I mean they did REVERSE ROLLS for crying out loud! Nyle did an awesome job with picking up the samba technique, although he was a little bouncy at times. And is it just me or is it a little awkward to watch a grown man’s skinny legs doing the samba?

Ending in the tent…Tarzan fantasy suite anyone? #Awkward #WaltDisneydoesnotapprovethismessage

 

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 9, 9, 

My Score: 9. – A 10 goes to whoever decided to put Nyle in a loin cloth. 

4. Doug Flutie & Karina Smirnoff-Jazz A.K.A whatever the freak you want to do.

“Spoonful of Sugar”- Mary Poppins

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Doug Flutie seems like a really nice guy with a pretty bad temper which can be said about the majority of football players. Unfortunately he just can’t dance. It’s amazing to me that someone coordinated enough to play pro football can’t even pick up the Charleston. Karina did just about everything she could for the poor guy. Added some magic and lots of lifts to make him look strong. Unfortunately it just made for a jumbled mess of a routine. Better luck next time, although I doubt he will stick around for much longer.

Judges Scores: 6, 6, 6, 6

My Score: 6- Obviously the score you’re supposed to give to someone with no hope

5. Kim Fields & Sasha Farber- Quickstep

“I wanna be like you”- Jungle Book

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Great number! It’s hard to make a quickstep interesting but I thought Sasha did a great job of making it fun. Shout out to Kim for holding up her frame the whole dance! I thought she was super energetic and it actually looked like she was having fun. Which is a look that I’m surprised more of the actresses can’t pull off. This was one of the first dances I have ever thought the backup dancers were unnecessary in. What were they even supposed to be? And why would a tiger be showing off her bra? Are sexy tigers a thing now?

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8

My Score: 8- Sometimes the judges get it right.  

6. Jodie Sweetin & Keo Motsepe

“Burn Up the Dance” -Zootopia

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WHY?! Why do the producers ever think it’s a good idea to have a character dance with them? It’s distracting and it’s just weird. Just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. I think Jodie is a pretty great dancer. Yes, she could work on her stage presence and yes, her boobs are a little too big to not be distracting, but really she is pretty dang good. It’s just that nobody notices that because Keo choreographs the most boring dances in the history of ever. I’m not a hater! Keo is an amazing dancer and a fine specimen of a man but the poor boy cannot seem to put any life into his dances at all. Luckily we get a partner switch next week!

-Body rolls Keo? And why the sudden need to make animals sexy?

Judges scores: 7, 6, 7, 7

My Score: Jodie- 7, Keo- 4, Gazelle- -10

7. Von Miller & Witney Carson- Viennese Waltz

“A Dream is a Wish” -Cinderella

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Love, love, loved this number! I know I’m not the only one who wanted to be Witney and do some natural turns with Von. First off, Witney as Cinderella was just perfect. Standing ovation for the costume department! And VON! He was looking so smooth and so in control of everything. It was subtle but he even did a nice little arabesque pose and managed to still look like a man while doing it. Not an easy feat!

-Can I be Whitney for Halloween?

Judges Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 

My Score: 9 – The judges must have missed the arabesque 

8. Ginger Zee & Val Chmerkovskiy- Foxtrot

“Belle (Bonjour)”- Beauty and the Beast

GINGER ZEE, VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY

 

OH MY GOODNESS! THIS IS DISNEY WEEK! Everyone loved this routine. Was it mostly just acting? Yes. Was it more of a tango than a foxtrot at times? Yes. Did anybody care? No. Because that was just too much fun. I have a hard time believing that Val choreographed that all on his own but if he did then hats off to him! I’m not sure the other contestants could have pulled it off the way Ginger did either. How can someone be so cute and so poised at the same time?

-I want to hate her but I think she might actually be my best friend. 

Judges Score: 9, 9, 9, 9

My Score: 10 – Just because I can 

9. Wanya Morris & Lindsay Arnold- Samba

“Circle of Life” -Lion King

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This number was good. The only reason it wasn’t great was that I was distracted by Wanya’s terrible costume. Who thought it would be a good idea to put a big man in an even bigger fur coat and pants? I couldn’t help but wonder how heavy it was and how hot he must be the whole time. Wanya nailed  it but I wasn’t nearly as entertained as the judges seemed to be. Although he ROCKED that bachacata section so he definitely gets points in my book for that!

Fat guy in a..big coat?

Judges Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9

My Score: 8

 

10. Paige VanZant & Mark Ballas- Quickstep

“You’ve Got a Friend in Me” -Toy Story

MARK BALLAS, PAIGE VANZANT
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Super cute. Mark choreographed a great number and Paige did a great job. Because Paige is so good I can’t help but watch her and critique her like an actual professional dancer. I notice things like her left shoulder tends to creep forward when she is in promenade and her heel leads are pretty lacking, but in all honesty, she is just too good. It was just the cherry on top to add the cool army guys.

-No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be as good as Paige.

Judges Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9

My Score: 9 – Mostly because the gyrating on the floor part was weird #Letsbehonest

 

This Week’s Rankings by Dance Critic:

  1. Ginger Zee

  2. Paige VanZant

  3. Von Miller

  4. Nyle DiMarco

  5. Wanya Morris

  6. Antonio Brown

  7. Kim Fields

  8. Jodie Sweetin

  9. Doug Flutie

-So there you have it folks. Another week, another dance. Till next week!